Rational unemotional !?!

(This is a story of a close friend. I have written it in first person to give it a feel)

I met this hot mallu girl during my interview. She was perfect. Elegant, graceful. We just had a glimpse of each other and moved away. I was with a female friend, who also thought she was smoking hot. She insisted I talk to the girl and as usual I was uncomfortable to initiate the conversation.

But as it turned out, it was my lucky day! The girl walked up to me and asked for a lighter. I was overjoyed, for two reasons. First, she came up to talk. Second, she was a smoker too! May be it’s just me but I really find girls who smoke attractive. Fuck the Norms!

But this is not about me. Or the girl. It’s about the conversation we had . She was a psychology student. And having read Freud a little, I had a chance to brag. We spoke about diverse things…from Nair community in Kerala to Artificial intelligence. Basically I said AI is foolish because we are giving our USP i.e thinking, to someone else. She corrected me. She said the superpower of humans is not the ability to think but Emotions! I had an epiphany of sorts…

I have never been a fan of feelings, expression . I had developed a mechanism to suppress or ignore negative emotions. Gifted with good enough memory and analytical skills, I always thought I could take on life without heeding to unnecessary emotions. For the past 27 years I have had the same strategy and let me tell you it has been disastrous.

Because of my habit of ignoring my feelings, I stopped feeling things. I felt empty. I was not sad but plain and simple empty. I stopped enjoying the sunrise, the sunset, music, cricket, rains.....anything I liked once. I found it difficult to crawl up my bed, to brush my teeth, to take a bath. I couldn’t move because I was in severe depression.

I have been battling it since two years. Its bad. Some days I think I am OK, some days I am back to zero. Anxiety and phobias are other companions. I want to cry but I can’t. It’s like someone reached my insides and took away everything human. I am a brain without a soul. I am surviving not living.

Does that justify suicide? NO. If everything is sooo bad, and I know the reasons why, I should rectify them. I should overcome every single of my phobias. I should feel every bit of emotion – no matter how good or bad it is. I think I should live. I should live a life of substance. I also know once I overcome these phobias and depression life would be beautiful . Battered, bruised and broken, there’s one thing I haven’t given up on…that is Hope!